Cycle 7 , Month 8

Well I'm obviously not pregnant . We had really good timing last month and I actually ovulated on time but it still didn't work . I'm so suck of even talking about getting pregnant . It seems like that is all I think about. I cant escape from it . If I am on Facebook then someone is posting bump pics , when I'm at work someone announces they are pregnant , I have friends just now stopping BC pills and I'm terrified they will get pregnant before me and I'll have to put on my happy face .

I keep thinking about how nothing is fair . That I didn't deserve my MC. But I also can't forget all the amazing things in my life that I have been given . I have the most amazing husband anyone could ask for . Since the day I met him I have never questioned his love for me . He reminds me daily how he feels about me . I have a new house which I love . Matt and I both have good jobs, I drive a new car, and I have a family who is picture perfect .

I need to learn to focus on all the good things I have and not the one thing I don't .

Now I am off to watch Grey's and probably cry my eyes out ! Haha

a new man in my life

Baby Jude is here !!

My emotions were all over the place this weekend. I am so ecstatic that my SIL and brother have a healthy baby boy. He is the cutest little squirt ever. Of course there were tinges of sadness over my recent miscarriage but mostly just happy thoughts. My brother has been amazing through my loss because unfortunately he knows exactly how I feel. They lost their first pregnancy at 8 weeks so it is a sadness that they both understand all to well.

I have started temping again and I am hoping my cycles become more regular. It makes trying to get pregnant a lot more difficult when you only get a chance every 5o days or so. My Dr. is still discussing using Clomid to regulate my ovulation but I am still a little nervous about it. Hopefully I will get knocked up this cycle and won't have to worry about it :)

a short one

This is going to be a short post.

I have been asked a million times how I am feeling and I hate saying "fine" so I usually say "Ok". To me this seems perfect. I am "Ok". I'm not "fine". I can safely say I am ok because I have come to terms that I am not pregnant anymore. I am ready to try again and I can tell someone that I had a m/c without crying. I think this is quite the achievement.

This weekend my SIL will be delivering her baby. I am so excited to meet my nephew but I know I will also feel heartache of wanting a baby of my own. I had thought that we would tell the rest of the family when everyone was together for Jude's birth. Hopefully my excitement for Jude will overshadow my own sadness.

I only cried once today

I am a complete clusterf*ck of emotions. Part of me feels like I should just "get over it". I mean I only knew I was pregnant for 3 weeks, 3 amazing weeks. I never had a single pregnancy symptom except the fact I was super emotional but my husband would argue that I always am. I even feel like I got out easy on the m/c. The pain wasn't unbearable and I didn't bleed nearly as much as I had heard others do. I think that hurts me too cause I feel like I never even got far enough into my pregnancy to have a real m/c. It's almost like I had a drawn out chemical pregnancy.

I really wish I had an answer why this happened. I almost feel like I knew it was going to happen. Like my positive pregnancy test was just a horrible joke. I never felt pregnant, I never felt like it was really going to happen.

I am completely devastated.

After one normal cycle we will try again but I know that all the excitement that comes with freshly getting a positive pregnancy test will now be taken away with horrible anxiety. It will be taken away with Dr appts and blood tests and anxiously awaiting better results than we got last time.

What will I do if this happens again?

I became a statistic

I thought about just deleting my previous post but I don't want to pretend like nothing happened. For 4 weeks I was pregnant but unfortunately today I am not. I knew the statistics and that is why we didn't tell anyone but family but I never thought that I would be one of the women who it happens to. I know one day I will have a beautiful baby.

"Get up, I think I see a line"

I'm fairly certain no one even reads this blog but if for some reason you are my friend, and know me in real life, consider yourself special to hear the news (no one except immediate family knows so don't go blabbing it on facebook). I'M PREGNANT!!! AHH!!!

Matt and I have been trying for about 5 months and I was having some serious wonky cycles. I had pretty much decided for certain that it would take some sort of medical intervention to get me knocked up but apparently God had other plans.

Needless to say this blog has now become a baby blog. I want to use it to document my pregnancy. If you know me in real life at all you know that I am about the least crafty person of all time, so this is now "Baby A's Babybook" . I plan on doing weekly updates and bump pics here cause lets be honest, I hate bump pics on facebook.

I had high hopes for how I would tell Matt when I finally got that second pink line but all those cute ideas went out the window at 4:30 a.m on 1-9-11. I pee a lot. I mean a lot. So, I knew I was suppose to use FMU (first morning urine) which for me happens about 4 am. I was certain I was out this cycle due to a negative blood test at 9 DPO but on the morning of 14 DPO but temp went up. I got up to pee and thought I might as well give it a go. After 3 minutes I slowly looked at the pee stick and I swear there was the faintest line. I have been staring at stark white non existent second lines for 5 months so I knew there was something there. I immediately ran back into the bedroom and told Matt to get up cause I think I see a line. He of course told me to "go back to bed and pee again later". I got a digital that night (along with about 4 other tests) and tested again the next morning. I have never been so happy to see the word "yes". So here I am. I go to the Dr. on Tuesday (1-18-11) for my first appt. I'm sure nothing fun will happen except paper work and blood test but I'm so excited to hopefully get some ultrasounds scheduled. We won't be spreading the news to everyone until after the first trimester, but we will tell most family and close friends after we hear a heartbeat.

Here is my first check-in: I'm 5 weeks!

Pregnancy Highlights:

How far along: 5 weeks, 1 day

Size of baby: appleseed

Total weight gain/loss: 133 lb, so no weight gain yet

Maternity Clothes: nope but I have started browsing :)

Gender: obviously no idea, Matt thinks boy

Movement: way too early

Sleep: I'm exhausted but having a hard time falling asleep

What I miss: sushi and diet dr pepper (I'm sure this will stay for the whole nine months)

What I'm looking forward to: a heartbeat

Cravings: none

Symptoms: some cramping still but that's all

Best Moment of the week: I tested again yesterday, yes I have a problem, and it came up positive immediately

cutest knobs ever

I want these knobs from anthroplogie to put on my white dresser.......